Expert Author Desiree Leigh Thompson

When you feel worthless, looking in the mirror and reminding yourself that you are beautiful is not going to happen. Being told that you are special, you have the light within you, and to appreciate your value in life is something that these individuals cannot relate to. And, the more you say, the more they will resist; the more they will see you as untrustworthy and a phony. Trying to mend the surface or the symptoms of worthlessness will not be lasting nor effective in people that have an extremely low self-esteem. Cognitive change is only partial change in attitude. Setting up a plan on how to tackle your attitude of worthlessness on a daily basis is good; however, it doesn't support deep change, and it doesn't last.

During my darkest days sometime ago in the past, I became the observer. One day standing in the middle of my kitchen, I moved out of my body and looked down over top of myself. It was after I threw a pyrex dish in rage causing a huge hole in the drywall. I also realized, at that time, I almost killed someone; just a few inches away from his head, the dish flew. As an observer, I viewed the life I was living. Why was I behaving in such self-defeating ways? I knew I did not want to be alive in this world if I continued to live the way I was. I also knew that it wasn't about them anymore - them being the men in my life. It was about me, and why I was attracting them. Memories of sexual, physical and verbal abuse, and a rape haunted me. Domestic violence and later drugs and alcohol were a part of my behavior. Shame, guilt, disgust, and hate was who I was.

Cognitive-behavioral change was the way I went to heal my life. I didn't have to go to the past, and, I surely didn't want to at the time. It worked to a degree. However, after almost two years of persistent effort, I still felt this haze of darkness; this ache in my gut that wouldn't go away. I prayed and prayed with many tears asking what I needed to do next to feel joy and self-worth. The real stuff, not what I was putting on. Not the mask or superficial joy I was being taught. I pleaded daily to be shown the way; how to deeply heal the empty pit in my gut. How to heal the haunting memories of the past.

Over time, I was shown. I was open completely to what ever entered my life. I did the work because I believed that my asking was unfolding in front of me, and either I could use it or leave it. Leaving it would have been against what I was requesting. I chose to use all of what came forth. Every sign post. Not knowing how it was all going to work out in the end, I still continued with dedication and love to the one honoring my asking.

To heal the worthlessness inside of you, it takes more than cognitive-behavioral change. It takes going to the source. For real joy to surface from deep within you, for love of self to resonate, separation must be corrected where it was made.



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